Do you want a story? Well here’s one. I was playing hide and seek with my sister and it was my turn to hide. I was running down the corridor when I came to a sudden halt beside the stairs, what caught my eye was that in the blank space of wall was a door that hadn’t been there before! I blinked but it was still there. I heard my sister nearby so I took the opportunity to hide behind the door, or as Mrs Davis would have said “The door of opportunities!” It was pitch black but I always kept a spare torch in my pocket. I saw a box in the light and the lock was loose, I took it and the lock clicked. Inside was the smallest piece of gold I have ever seen! I grabbed the gold and ran out, only then for my sister to grab me!

I like the comment about Mrs Davies

This is a well written 100 word challenge Maisy. Good use of vocabulary and you’ve included extra detail/information in each sentence make your writing interesting. Da iawn.

Once there was a boy called Jimmy and another boy called Bob. They were relaxing on their luxury yacht when suddenly some sharks appeared!

“Oh no” said Jimmy. They had to get out of there, and quickly! As Bob turned the other way, some monsters were approaching them pretty fast!

“We’ll have to take a chance with the monsters even though they’ll have a brig” Jimmy whispered.

“We’ll be okay, they wouldn’t have a brig” Bob said. As soon as they got on the monsters boat, the captain of the monsters yelled

“Take them to the brig!!!” As they were in, the lock clicked and Jimmy said

“Told you they had a brig!….

Well done James, you’ve varied your punctuation within this piece of writing. What is a brig?

Once a little boy went to go out to the market to buy some food for his family, but when some fog clambered in the boy could not find his way. Eventually he arrived at a grave yard. He was heading to the mansion that stood in the middle of the grave yard. The boy carefully crawled to wards the mansion. Some thing was ruining to wards him and the boy ran for his life but when the he arrived at the mansion then the lock clicked and a man scooped the boy inside. Immediately the man said “GET IN QUICK! Did you see any thing?” “yes” said the boy, the man said because it was a ghoul part 1 to be continued !

By Dominic

A good ending Dominic, you’ve got the reader thinking what is going to happen next. Read over your work out loud. Can you rewrite a sentence that you’ve found a mistake in please?

One day Mr. Bean looked at his calendar and told his teddy really excitedly that it was time to go to the cinema. He got everything ready and he got his keys but when he opened the car door he remembered that he left his teddy in the house. When he got in the house he grabbed his teddy and when he got to the car he couldn’t open the door. He searched everywhere but he couldn’t find the keys. He went back outside and there on the pavement he saw his keys. He picked them up and opened the door and then the lock clicked and Mr Bean was so happy that he had been able to open the door of his car. As soon as he was in the car he lost his keys again!

You’ve used an adverb in the first sentence, well done Dylan, need more.

I’m glad he found the keys in the end.

You haven’t used any commas in any of your sentences. Read out your work loud and think about when you take a breath, this will be where you put a commas in. Can you rewrite a sentence please and place a comma in it?

Santa and the Christmas Elf!

“Shh” said a voice coming from downstairs. The noise woke me up and I crept quietly downstairs to investigate. I saw silhouettes of a man with a bushy beard and a large sack over his back and a small elf. I edged closer to hear what they were saying. All of a sudden I felt a tingle up my nose. I sneezed, jerked back and bumped into the lounge door. Then the lock clicked and Santa and Lilly Snowflake, the Christmas Elf on the Shelf, both looked at me. They both said “If you don’t go back to bed right now, you won’t have any presents.” I ran quickly back upstairs and jumped into bed and pulled the quilt over me. In the morning, I woke up and loads of presents were left for me.

By Grace

A good start, you’ve varied your opening, well done. Always think of VCOP. You’ve used adverbs and descriptive adjectives. A good 100 wc, da iawn Grace.

One day Eva, Evie and Phoebe were playing over frisbee over Carla’s house in the back garden. Suddenly there was a gust of wind and the frisbee blew over the fence and into the forest. The girls set off to look for the frisbee, ” I don’t think we should go into the forest ” explained Carla ” because there are bears and maybe even snakes “. The girls entered the forest nervously not knowing what they will find or what will happen. As they got deeper into the forest Carla tripped over, she looked down and saw it wasn’t a rock it was a key. Carla picked the key up and put it in her pocket, and they walked further into the forest until they found a big hedge blocking there path. Phoebe then found a secret door which was locked, Carla then said ” what about this key I found “. Carla passed the key to Phoebe and she put it in the lock, then the lock clicked and the door opened………

Well done Phoebe, I like the ending making the reader think what will happen. You’ve used adverbs ‘suddenly and ‘nervously’, this makes your writing more exciting.

What different connective could be used after the comma instead of and?

Carla picked the key up and put it in her pocket, and they walked further into the forest until they found a big hedge blocking there path.

9th October 2016

On Thursday night I was I was in my room and playing on my I pad. When my mum went down stairs my brother jumped out of the window. Matthew ran to his friends and went to play whilst I was asleep. He played on his skateboard and scooter until midnight. Then the lock clicked and he was locked out for the rest of the night so he went to sleep on the front porch. When he woke up at half past ten in the morning I went outside to play my mum found out. Matthew was grounded for a hole year.

Not a nice story for your brother, hope it’s not a true story.

Can you read over your work. Where could you put a comma into this sentence?:

When he woke up at half past ten in the morning I went outside to play my mum found out.

The wind started howling, lightning was crashing, this weather was making everything feel creepy. There was a terrible noise, it sounded like it had come from inside the bathroom, and I started to think what if there was something bad behind the door. My mind was racing. I thought of ignoring it, but I needed to know what was in there. I paused, then took a deep breath and made my way to the bathroom door. I reached for the door knob and turned the handle, then the lock clicked and I pulled it gently and there was my soapy dad so called singing in the shower.

Well done Jacob. This was well written, short sharp sentences making your writing more intense for the reader. Can you last part of the last sentence be punctuated/rewritten?

Week 3 homework

There Once lived a man who was under cover because he was after men who kidnapped rare and expensive animals. He was after them because he was a police man and that was his mission. He was happy one morning because his college told him they found there hideout.

He now hat to make sure they weren’t home when he went he got there and he found a bundle of birds that were worth altogether 4 million 567 thousand and 898 pounds. He went and type in a code and then the locks went click and all the birds were free. The men came home but they slipped on bird poop and the secret agent left with the birds and the men were put in jail.

I’m glad they caught him. Could you read over your work and spot any mistakes? You’ve missed out some letters on some of your words.

One day Lilly and her brother Tom were walking through the woods and they saw a little door. And it had a lock so they searched high and low for the key and finally they found it, it was under a rock with leaves over it so Millie put the key in the lock and then the lock clicked, and the door opened and all they saw was flowers green grass and a GIGANTIC palace. So they walked over to the palace and the guards said” sorry your not allowed to go in here, but there’s a play ground over there with some children you can play with them. So every day they would go to the door open it with the key and play with the children.

I like the idea of something hidden behind the door. Think about VCOP, your second sentence begins with ‘And’, plus it is very long. Could it be rewritten or split into two sentences?

LOCKED IN THE ROOM!

Then the lock clicked and…

I felt scared, my stomach dropped, I’m locked in. Now what am I going to do? The room is massive, empty, with no windows and only a few torches casting weird shapes on the wall. I look around for a way out, feeling the walls for a secret door or loose bricks, one of the torches looks different. I pull on the torch, it moves down and I hear a creaking sound and the wall moves to show a secret passage. I pick up my bag and start to run to the door at the end of the passage I wrench it open, now I’m free. I certainly won’t forget Mr Eldridge’s homework again.

Jake’s Birthday

It was Jake’s 7th birthday and he and his friends were on a treasure hunt. There were clues hidden around his garden for them to find, to help them find the treasure. They had found 9 of the clues and there was 1 more to find. The last clue said to look by water. Jake spotted the last clue by the pond and read it out loud. “Turn over the clues and put them together to form a map.” They followed the map they’d made, and under a big rhubarb leaf, was a treasure chest and key. Jake turned the key in the lock, then the lock clicked and inside the chest were coins, trophies and crowns. It was the best party ever!

I like this idea of a treasure hunt, very clever. I bet it was the best party ever. Well written Abigail. You’ve used speech, varying your punctuation.

… Then the lock clicked and the door slowly opened. In from the darkness stepped a tall dark figure. The smell was overwhelming. It was a familiar smell although I still felt extremely scared. The figure started to walk steadily towards me , breathing heavily,like a frightened deer who had just escaped from hunters.

The figure began to speak quietly under its breathe. Its voice was beginning to break. “Where is my, where is my, X Box controller?”

I began to slide slowly under the blanket. I had been caught by the Zombie teenager brother. I screamed loudly.Daddddddy!

The lock clicked……..

Well done Seren, I could picture what you were writing which is what you want to achieve from your writing. I like the change in seriousness when you mentioned the xbox controller and realised it was your brother.

The magical key

Once there lived a girl called Lucky and her brother was called Unlucky. They were called like that because Lucky was always lucky, and Unlucky was unlucky they always did things together. One day Lucky and Unlucky was at home, it was the weekend. They usually wonder around their house, because they just moved in. They wondered around the house, especially at the top. Suddenly Lucky found a door, and she found a key dangling from the keyhole. Lucky turned the key, and then the lock clicked and she went in it. Unlucky followed Lucky, and there was a bright light! They went to another world, and didn’t know what was happening…

Ooo, I wondering what type of world they went into? Were they both lucky or unlucky? I wonder?

One day a pink Lamborghini was driving past a school and was smoking like a swag boss Whalen a cops car was driving past the cops put on their lights. And the jase was on , the pink Lamborghini was speeding down and hit a ramp on the road . He went flying over a zoo and landed in the tiger pen ,then the lock clicked and the door shut!!!

The tigers came up to him and ate him !!!!!

relly licked it , it mad me larfe

Not a nice ending. Could you read over your work to check for places you could put punctuation in?

Once there was a mythical land and there was a boy called billy and he had a farther called bobby and the land was called Swag Land. Swag land was a place that a lot of people rap battling it out to see who will be the next rapping champion and of course they dab in it. But there is only one rule to the rap battles and that rule is you can only dab five times. if you dab more than five times then your disqualified. Billy, Bobby both participated in it. Of course it would be farther and son rap battling against each other. And the battle was long but the winner is Bobby, Billy’s farther. But as always Bobby wins as always. Everyone thinks that Billy will win but by a miracle Billy looses and that because Bobby works out his tactics and then he makes a massive comeback.

Well done Qasim, however try to include the 100 word challenge prompt. Don’t forget capital letters for names.